Dear Moms, Put Your Air Mask On!
By: Dr. Selma Bartholomew
I was awoken by the smell of rice porridge laced with gentle hints of cinnamon and brown sugar. I couldn’t wait to have my morning breakfast, but I knew that she wouldn’t be in the kitchen. I urged my little feet into my worn flip flops and hurried my way out the door. The wooden bench, damp with white morning mildew, didn’t bother me one bit as I peered over the veranda walls to find her pruning her roses and talking to her hibiscus flowers while humming One Day At A Time. I announced my arrival --Morning, Mother. She looked over to me and replied “Morning—take a look, the sun rose, it rose for you again this morning.”
My Grandmother Ada (Adora Perrotte) was known to all of her children, grandchildren, and everyone in the community as Mother. As I look back, I am grateful to her for letting me know that I had superpowers to make the sun rise everyday. When I became a new mom, now 23 years ago, I was learning how to be a mother and wife, working through the bruise of having to walk away with an ABD (All But Dissertation) in pure math., and going back to graduate school with my six-month old son at home. A familiar scene from that period of my life: meon the other side of protective glass, with a shiny penny in my brown loafers and a knapsack filled with papers to grade, gently hurling a stream of questions at a train station attendant through the bagel size silver plated circle with dashed lines. “Do you know why the trains are late? How long ago was the last train? When is the next train?” She reaches for the mic and responds,”The trains are always on time. It is you who is early or late.” In that moment my mind goes into overdrive as I debate whether I should wait with the fellow hot and sticky passengers or huff and burn my pennies across town for the 5 train--all with the single-minded intent to make it home, run into Key Food to buy pampers and, if the express line would only be short, hurry with the bag of groceries and make it to the babysitter by 5:30. In such a moment I had to ask myself how did Ada, my Grandmothers, Mother, and Aunties make it look so damn easy? What was their superpower?
They took care of their children, their nieces and nephews, and husbands, had open doors for family to visit as they got themselves on their feet and yet still, they had warm porridge and oatmeal on the stove before we all woke. I had no clue it was seamless as I saw them through the eyes of a child. They didn’t have apps and Amazon and all the bells and whistles that we seem unable to exist without today. As I think back to my Grandmother Ada in her rose garden, I realize the lesson—put your air mask on and make time to prune and smell the roses.
As mothers, our thoughts light up when we think about our children and all the decisions we have to make. Guess what? The researchers at Massachusetts Institute of Technology have a voltage-sensing molecule that fluorescently lights up when brain cells are electrically active. I know that researchers usually use mice, but this is one study where moms could easily take the place of mice. Moms light up the world with our thoughts: what should I feed these kids, how do I entertain them, did you brush your teeth, did you sleep well, did you shower yet, how long were you playing the video games, did you just pass gas, did you do your homework, not another school project, and who is that kid you are constantly on chat with, did I forget to get milk and cereal? And let’s not forget the needs of your husband or partner, and if you are caring for an elderly parent or another loved one. And don’t think I forgot about the stress of bills and work - OMG - Moms light it up. If you are a mom, working from home and managing virtual learning, don’t worry Earth is not the only frontier—there is enough to go around—NASA will call you personally to help them light up Mars.
As I write this journal reflection, I am so happy my son is now 23, a young adult. And even though I was stressed, I realized then I had to put on my air mask. I came to the understanding that I was not the first to want an opportunity but the first to have this opportunity. I was going to get my doctorate because it mattered to me. I prioritized school, family, work, and also my personal life (yes I made it the gym, girlfriend; not 7 days a week,2 to 3 was more than enough). I made the decision that I couldn’t say yes to all the family events or to everyone who made demands on my time. I figured out that I could cook spaghetti and meatballs in a crockpot along with anything else that once walked the earth and now found itself in my freezer. I didn’t allow guilt to wage war in my heart and mind when he was the last one picked up. Time with grandparents who could tell him about all the rotten things his parents did when they were little--priceless. I uttered the same prayer for him then as I still do now - Give way Lord, allow him to shine his light where there is darkness. I made a decision about who I wanted him to be as a person, how he would care for himself, how I wanted him to treat others and then I LET GO. Trusted that if he learned how to tie his shoes by his wedding day that I was a good Mom. Putting on my air mask then as a young mother, cleared the way for the blessings that I receive now. This August when he makes his way to start his Ph.D. program at Cornell, I plan on presenting him with the picture he drew for me, which I used as a Do Not Disturb sign letting him know “Mommy is working on her dissertation.”
Yes, mothering is our nature and what we love to do but we also can’t use it as an excuse to get in our own way. Putting on your air mask means that you have to breathe and make sense of what your needs are because if you give it all away, the stress eats away at you and what will you present to God? Not putting on your air mask is what leads to the weight see-saw, high blood pressure, the lack of interest in dating and having relations with your loved one, and, I am being honest, for some women, it also leads to using sex as an outlet. It also fuels the narrative that our boy children are “The Man of the House and/or Little Man” - which I will address in another reflection, though I am putting it out there now for any mother whose relationship has crashed into an icy mountain and she finds herself going down that slippery slope, stop yourself - your son is not the one flying the plane.
Today’s world is fast-paced. Cultivating your inner spirit is more than finding time for the manicure and pedicure. It is a deeper conversation with your inner self about taking the time to discover who you are, your purpose, and passion. Trust that when you seek out your dreams it serves as a motivator for your child. Make time to reflect on your growth and progress, ask for help when needed, and realize that you are worthy. Do not use the title of Mother as a shield to lock your dreams away and toss away your birth given name to be introduced forever as a “ __’s Mom”. You have value because you exist not because you are a mother, sister, cousin and all the labels.
If you don’t take the time for yourself, then you may wake up one day and find yourself going stir crazy with an empty nest or a full nest of children who have failed to launch. And as we get older and “Arthur” and his BFF shows up unannounced, uninvited, and unwelcomed it becomes more challenging to find the physical strength to make moves for ourselves. Oh? You don’t know and you haven’t met “Arthur” as of yet? Well, some call him “Arthritis”—but no matter what you call him he is a pain in the foot, back, hand, and rear that slows you down. Do you know his best friend? I keep telling you this is my journal okay, so I will let you in on a secret - Arthur’s best friend is “Menopause”.
When you make time for self and to breathe, only then will you figure out how to prune the roses in your life. I have a few roses in the front of my home as a reminder of my Grandmother. When I first started to grow them, I wasn’t doing right by them and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why Ada’s roses were so beautiful. Guess what—if you want great roses you have to be willing to cut away—that right’s right CUT AWAY. Great roses need space to expand. It is a valuable lesson in life. If you want to achieve greatness for yourself, and if you want to set your child up for greatness, you can’t do it all and you can’t have it all. Now that you have your air mask on you will have the courage to prune away, prioritize, and let go of what was keeping you from taking intentional breaths. And (hold on to your coconuts) what I have also learned about letting go, is that just because a bloom looks good and healthy, it doesn’t mean that it will flourish to be the greatest rose in my garden. Take a breath and be willing to prune off the broken and hurtful relationships and things in your life that are stifling you.
The pandemic has helped to remove the distractions, but as I listen to the conversations about everyone wanting to go back to normal, I worry that mothers may have missed the lesson.
I know that so many mothers lost their means of earning income and are feeling overwhelmed because they also became teachers, playmates, and caregivers and they are telling themselves that they can’t make a move that is about them but, especially now, you must put your air mask on first. I am not talking about getting creative and baking cookies (don’t get me started). What I am asking you to consider is what are your goals for yourself? What opportunities are you not claiming?
I know now as an adult, that Ada had a lot to do because she lost her mother at an early age, raised six children as a single mother, worked in the fields and on the Baltaza Plantation in Grenada to make ends meet. Yet she prioritized making rice porridge that even today I would give anything to taste. It was my mornings with Grandmother Ada that taught me to be an optimist which I yield everyday as a Black entrepreneur. It is 5am as I am doing this reflection and I know the sun will rise for me. We have to smell the roses because there is a lot of shit going on in this world and around us but guess what, flowers need shit to grow. And we (Mothers, Fathers and Community) made it through the Middle Passage, we have come too far and can’t afford to buy into the narrative that our children are going to be left behind as a result of this pandemic. There are times when I marvel at the mystery of the human body and the spirit. When our mind, spirit and breath work in tandem, we become buoyant and can confidently navigate troubled waters.
Our children can only make it through when we model for them and show them how to breathe. You have what it takes to get through this! Mothers put on your air mask. Smelling the roses is an adult superpower —it reminds you and I that the only way to get through this year and the next million years is One Day At a Time.
Selma K. Bartholomew, Ph.D., known as Dr. B., is an educator and owner of Partner With Legacy, an education company working with schools to help them become a place of purpose and passion. Driven by an ambitious mission of fixing mathematics education, Partner With Legacy focuses on student leadership, voice and confidence. Dr. B. recently launched The DrSelmaB Show to build a bridge between schools, parents, community and self-improvement—watch on YouTube and the Manhattan Neighborhood Network (MNN1.org) on Sundays @ 10am. Engage with her on Twitter and IG @drselmab. Facebook and LinkedIn - PartnerWithLegacy