Abortion: A Case for Knowing Your Options

Photo Source: Netflix, Dear White People

By: Lisa A. DeRoché

(4 min Read)

Born in Brooklyn and raised on Long Island, New York, I made poor choices with unprotected sex, which resulted in me having two abortions, the first of which was during high school. I had my second abortion while living a freedom filled lifestyle in college. My story includes being raised by a very strict Jamaican father, a loving mother who divorced my father and left home without me when I was in the 7th grade. It also includes me maneuvering through an intense relationship with a young man who eventually became the father of my first daughter. I eventually reconnected with and married my first love from junior high school, who was a party in my first abortion.

My husband and I eventually raised a blended family of five children together, and throughout it all, I maintained a praying heart. I want sexually active young people to remember to be more thoughtful when making decisions, more thoughtful than I was. I want young women to stop and consider the consequences of a decision before making them. I also want to underscore the fact that no one is perfect, and you can make mistakes in life and recover from them well as long as you have a plan.

When I decided I was ready to talk about my experiences with abortion publicly, I was really apprehensive about it. Now I talk openly about it when mentoring women since many have had the experience, and have difficulty getting past the emotions of guilt and loss that can come with this difficult choice. Some can't speak of it at all. It was an experience that I went through and lived with every day. Not only was the loss from abortion a lingering experience for me, but death, in general, has also been something that comes across my mind regularly. I think about the concept of death as being so final, yet we all must go through it as a part of life. But it is often displayed as a very grave and negative concept. Although loss is final, it does not have to be discouraging and connected to so many terrible thoughts. We should talk more about loss, express our feelings of fear and worry related to loss, and be comforted in knowing that we all live and must go through it.

The conversation of abortion and loss is very heavy and can be no matter what perspective you have on it. It is politically, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally charged. After making a decision to have an abortion, difficult things will happen; however, the important part is coming back from experience and not being defined by it. It is okay if the experience stays in your heart and soul as long as it doesn't hold you back from your blessings.  For a long time I blamed myself and made myself feel as if I was not good enough to be forgiven. But I learned through my faith in God and my personal growth that I am proud of who I am and of the woman I have become. I want others who have had the experience of abortion to feel that they can also fully recover from it.

When I had my first abortion at age 16, I went to talk to my partner at the time about it and he asked me if I was sure it was his child. Although he said this in a joking manner, I did not think it was funny at all. I hadn't been intimate with anyone else. I was too scared and too loyal to him to a fault to have sex with anyone else. I didn't even have a chance to think about what options there were. Abortion at the time was the only option. How could I have a baby at 16 years old?

The second abortion was early in my college career, I started to get really sick. It was a sickness I remembered very well; nausea, feeling weak, and having no appetite whatsoever. It was not that long ago, only two years since I'd gotten pregnant before. For several days I could not keep my food down. But because I was smoking so much weed at the time, I would feel sick, smoke a joint, and then get hungry all over again. For a variety of reasons, I made up my mind that I was going to have another abortion. For starters, I did not know whose baby it was at the time. And in my eyes, I was just too young to have a baby at the age of 18. I could barely take care of myself much less another person. I was smoking weed and drinking alcohol on a very heavy basis. I was clearly addicted. This, in fact, was something very dangerous as I think back now on my health and how I was treating my body while carrying a child- it was unacceptable behavior. Once I made up my mind to have the abortion, I then needed to find the cash to get the procedure done, which was another dilemma for me as a Black woman with no income at the time.

The third time I got pregnant, less than one year later, I realized it was time for me to step up regardless of what was going on and to prepare myself to make what would be the toughest decision of my life. I won't necessarily say "do the right thing" because the choice to have an abortion or put a child up for adoption is not a right or wrong thing in my opinion. Although many have their own views on this, a decision to be pro-life or pro-choice should never be taken lightly, and people should not be judged for their choice. I made the decision that I was going to become a mother, because I had so many regrets from my past two abortions. The moral decision was difficult, but the worst part was actually having the physical experience and then the mental anguish that follows.

I had prior experience with Planned Parenthood as a patient. I had gone there a few times for counseling when I was trying to determine if and when I would have an abortion. I never actually had the abortion procedure done at Planned Parenthood. However, I recall going there and feeling that it was a supportive place to talk to someone. At Planned Parenthood, you can get help with understanding birth control and other sexual health options. I worked there at one point once I began an internship for a Masters in Social Work. Although I didn't complete the degree program, working at Planned Parenthood taught me everything I needed to know about the birth control mechanisms available. Most of the time I spent there, I was counseling young women who were coming in to determine if they were going to make a decision to have an abortion. Many of them were there by themselves. I was not there to help them make the decision; I was there to explain what the procedure would be like. The process was very intimate and stressful. And after living such a difficult life of guilt for the decisions I made to have abortions, I regularly counsel my daughters and other young women on the importance of healthy relationships, birth control and abstinence. Pregnancy can change your life in many ways. I encourage all young women to get help, talk to someone you trust; know your options; and take care of yourself first before becoming sexually active and certainly once you become active.

Lisa A. DeRoché spent the past 20 years in human resources, including the past 5 years in healthcare handling recruiting, benefits, employee relations, training, and culture initiatives. Lisa has been married for 25 years to her first love, and together they have a blended family of 5 children and three grandchildren. She attended an HBCU, Virginia State University for two years, obtained a Bachelor of Arts in Sociology from SUNY Old Westbury, an MBA from Dowling College and is in her last year at Capella University as a Ph.D. candidate in Business Management /Human Resources. She is also the author of the book entitled; The Grave in My Soul.